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| well, so I guess I survived the first block of med school here at Memphis...
I have to admit, sometimes, I still do look back to the choices I made, and what could have been....
I realize that through the whole process, I have been arrogant, and have come astray, perhaps wandered a bit.
Slowly finding my way back to His grace, I am reminded that the fear of the Lord is indeed beginning of knowledge.
He who was not hesitant to cut off the natural branch, which was Israel, would readily cut the branches that have been grafted in. Therefore, I am grateful that despite my period of wandering, I have not yet been completely cut off.
During the sermon at church in Nashville, a verse was mentioned that captivated me: 2 Samuel 24: 24. King David, after committing the sin of counting his army, builds an altar for the Lord. The owner of the land offers the place/material for free, yet King David insists on paying for them saying that he will not sacrifice to the Lord that which cost him nothing... so what's my worship? or worth-ship? I am not quite sure yet, but, when the time comes for me to offer to the Lord, I hope that I will not try to find an easy way out and offer things that cost me nothing, but be able to offer things that will reflect the worth/value of who He is to me.
Work load from school is indeed becoming quite overwhelming, just the way it should be I guess. It's not quite as easy as it was for me to focus on just the school anymore. I don't know if Joshua (Mr. Settles) was joking or not, but sometimes, I really think that I need to start looking into finding a companion.
well anyways, so I was reading Romans 12 today, and after last summer, I can now kind of sympathize with Israel, in how they missed what they have been earnestly desiring, then their hearts hardening. I admit that at times when God would not let me have the things I want, my pride would make me often become rebellious. I think this resulted in the downfall of Israel, and many of its kings. My conclusion: I don't want to end up like that. It's hard, but I will have to learn to give up my pride soon... pride is not worth going down a path to destruction. Like pastor Lim said, if God gives me everything I want, it would be a self-projected idol of some sort. God would rather direct/guide me into a direction that He desires, which sometimes may conflict with what I want.
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| so, the time has come for me to pack up and head to Memphis...
As of now, neither my belongings nor my thoughts are completely packed.
I guess, I am still not completely over the fact that I could not get into the schools that I really hoped to attend (sorry that every single entry this summer has been about that haha). I guess at this point, it's not really about the reputation or anything, but rather leaving the place and people that I associated with "home".
This whole issue made me realize my lack of mental strength. I hate the fact that I am so easily bothered by the trivial things in life.
but yeah, the summer is over. Physically, it was one of the most relaxing summer, but mentally, it was by far the toughest summer. Though I ended up not unsuccessful in my pursuits, life is not over yet. I will make those schools that rejected me regret their decision =P.
I have to say though, losing battle makes me really look forward to my next battlefield. I won't go down this easily, next time around =P
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| Sorry about the not-so-often updates!
believe it or not, the summer is not as relaxing as I had originally planned.
Waking up early to give ride to my cousin, tutoring, picking up my cousin, taking my bro. and cousin to exercise and what not.... usually don't really get anytime for myself until 6 or 7 pm. By this time, I feel pretty exhausted from trying to keep up with my brother's swimming.
So yeah.... yesterday I was knocked out by 8pm..... and I woke up this morning at 8am haha, this hasn't happened in a while.... so I feel pretty energetic today... and not so tired.... and so here I am writing an update haha.
hm... let me think of any funny updates for your entertainment before I talk about my life lol.
Oh yeah, 2 days ago, I was taking my brother to his dentist appointment, and there was an accident on the road.... so instead of waiting 2-3 mins while the police clean up the whole mess, I decided to be smart and follow the cars that turn into different streets (I figured that they know a detour or something). After following these cars for about 5 mins in these obscure streets and roads, I thought " a detour couldn't possibly take this long..." but then, I didn't know where I was, and I had forgotten how to go back... so I continue to follow.... we come out ~2 blocks on the other side of the accident.... and by then the mess was cleaned up and cars were already passing through fine... oh my precious gas....
Well as far as my life, I am graduallying accepting the fact that I will be going to Memphis. There are students that are much more competant than I am, and I am okay with accepting that. I, however, am not gonna go easy on myself for not having done better, so I am gonna look over some USMLE stuff for the rest of this summer. I still would have been pretty bummed out about the fact because of not being close to someone, but it seems God has an interesting way of showing me things. It turns out I lost in the competition for a special someone's attention, and thus will soon have to move on since she won't be single much longer. So this time around.... I lost my battles for most medical schools, and romantic interest. But, I am gonna try to push myself a bit more so that I won't repeat this history in 3-4 years!
Well, anyways... the summer is almost over for me... just 1 more month left I guess. I wonder what I can make out of this last month. I would like to sqeeze in a visit to L.A. and perhaps a trip to Atlanta. LoL, yes, Matt, Emily, and Yufei know what I am talking about! haha.
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| so I have been trying to spend most of my days doing stuff to keep my mind away from 2 biggest issues in my life at the moment: medical school and my pursuit of a special someone. I had a good laugh today realizing how both of those situations are very similar. Well anyways, after ~3 hours of intense gaming, my mind is not quite together, so my English will probably suffer on this post lol, hopefully that would entertain some of you. Forgive me for not updating more Jae moments to entertain you, but believe it or not, I do spend lots of time thinking about serious stuff =P.
Waiting, being kept in the dark, is a frustrating thing especially when a lot is at stake. Despite all my attempts to not think about these stuff too much, there are things everyday that trigger these thoughts. I have to say it is even challenging to my faith at times. My mind tells me that if I truly believe in Christ, and have a world view accordingly, then these issues should not be bothering me as much as it should. But.. I am just a human being. It is difficult for me to let go of the things that I learned to value my whole life. So my mind and my nature are at a constant battle within me trying to convince and influence my direction. The passage that comes to mind is Ecclesiastes. King Solomon.... a wise king at Israel's glory. Wealth, education, fame, respect, and even women (lol perhaps not very appropriate but it is true), he had it all. Yet, he didn't find happiness in any of those things, but only in God. He stated that the pleasure of enjoying the fruits of your labor is also a gift from God. As Solomon states, at the face of death, all these things are meaningless. Haha I know it maybe rather depressing to be thinking about death, but it sure does help me keep the perspective.
Anyways, it still doesn't change the fact that I am struggling with the decision. I know this though... in the hindsight, I will understand the bigger picture as I did about my past.
Goodness, sorry my post is so long today. I feel like I should reward those who have read up until this point by sharing something a bit more personal haha. So yeah, I did have a good laugh today because my situation for med school and my pursuit are rather similar. I am waitlisted for both haha. well you all know my story about med school, and as for my pursuit... I applied, and interviewed (metaphorically speaking), and of course, there are lots of others competing for her attention. At times I feel like she is sending the "back off" signal (maybe the female readers of this post can help me interpret these signals), but I am not sure. So I think I am on the "waitlist" lol. Amazing how girls and med schools can be so similar. Funny thing, I would normally give up very quickly, but not this time. I decided that I will continue to pursue until she tells me that she is uncomfortable or tells me to back off. It's a selfish decision on my part, but I don't want any regrets.
Anyways.... tomorrow, I start tutoring another student in math and in bio.... I never tutored Bio before although I did graduate majoring in Bio. I am gonna go brush up a bit on high school biology so that I would not look dumb tomorrow. Oh yeah.... the student has a HUGE dog too.... he scares me sometimes....
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| Yes... as you all may have guessed.. I am still tormented with the decision lol, no news there. now I am starting to regret not doing early decision in applying to med schools... Arrogance has always been my downfall... I guess I am just not as good of an applicant as I thought I was.
Today, I had to lead worship at church in the morning since the current leader is out attending some kinda program at local college or something. I had forgotten how nervous it can be to sing and play in front of people haha. It did remind me of the old days though.... Back in the days with Ji, Nam, Young, Jason, Jordan, and Jenny.... goodness, we did spend A LOT of time practicing and doing stuff at church, but I have to say I miss those days.... It seems there is just more and bigger things to worry about as we grow older. My brother is much better at harmonizing than I am haha. So now, I randomly sing a song and tell him to harmonize accapella, or I would converse with him by saying phrases at a certain pitch, and he is supposed to answer with harmony haha. We have a good laugh about it. My brother is really growing, and he is surpassing me in several different areas lol. I lost a racquet ball match to him the other day.
Oh yeah. today at church, they recognized fathers in congregation.... most of the men stood up..... only high school students and I remained sitting... LoL... I guess I am at the borderline between being a "kid" at church and an adult.... Come to think about it... I have given it some thought this year... marriage is no longer such a distant concept anymore since I don't see myself dating in med school lol. One of my older friends did warn me and told me to try to date while in undergrad.... but it's too late now haha. Oh yeah, for those of you who might have been aware of my summer plan, that plan was aborted.... LoL.... maybe next summer.
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